Dads address the balance

Dads and Littluns is a playgroup that has been running for five years. Jess Stevenson went to meet them to find out if being a home dad is any different to being a home mum.

Q & A

Simon Lewis, 36, has two daughters - Adele age 11 and Yvette age 3.

Can you tell me how you came to be a home Dad?

Towards the end of my wife’s maternity leave for our second child, she asked me if I would like to look after the children full time. It had crossed my mind but I wasn’t going to be the one to suggest it. I jumped at the chance.

What factors helped you make that decision?

Financial mainly. My salary was not that much different from the cost of childcare for two children. Also, I really didn’t like my job and I was looking for a change.

How old was your child/children when you began to be a home dad?

My girls were six months and eight years old.

How long do you plan to do it for?

Until my youngest daughter starts full time school in January 2009.

Do you miss working life/the office?

I did at the beginning when I hadn’t made a new network of friends. I missed the banter and the company. Now with D&L, I have lots of people to hangout with.

What reactions do you get from other parents?

A complete mix, from real shock to jealousy. I’ve had quite a few negative comments from male friends who couldn't do what I do, because apparently it makes you less of a man. I have also had some suspicious reactions from women.

Many women feel like they lose their identity/ sense of self when they become full-time mothers, has this ever been the case with you?

I never really enjoyed my previous jobs, so I never felt defined by my role. I am much better at being a Dad than I was a software tester so I feel I have more identity now.

How would you describe being a home Dad and what it feels like?

I’ve been doing it for three years, so it feels very normal now. I wouldn’t think it feels much different from being a home mum on a day-to-day basis.

How would you say being a home Dad impacts upon your relationship with your children and your partner?

I think it makes my relationship with all of them better. The main reason for this is that I’m happy. Having more contact with the children is ultimately beneficial, but we will eventually get on each other’s nerves, especially in the summer holidays.

As for my partner, we do have issues that are particular to our situation. She is not jealous of the relationship I have with the kids, but she is jealous of the time we have together. This is especially true during the school holidays. It’s hard for her when she is working hard for ten hours, and we’ve gone to the zoo or spent a day in the park.

So playgroup is twice a week, do you do other activities with other Dads outside the playgroup?

Yes we do. We will go out as Dads on our own to the pub or to play football. We go out with the children, to the park or days out during holidays. We also go out as families now and again, for picnics or other events. The wives and girlfriends have also recently started a monthly drinks night.

What would you say to other parents who might be considering it as an option?

Just like with full-time mums, being a full-time dad is hard work. It’s often monotonous and you seldom get any appreciation for what you do. It can be lonely at times, and you have to really enjoy spending lots of time with your kids. However, if you can do all this, it is fantastically rewarding. I would say give it a go, even if you only do it for a few months.

Do you think there is too much pressure for parents to go back to work?

Only financially.

Would you say parenthood is supported by society?

No. I get no help for doing what I do. I don’t expect to be paid but it would be nice to get free dental or maybe a tax break like being able to transfer my tax allowance to my wife.

Do you think the government should do more to encourage flexible working?

Yes.

Have you ever used other forms of childcare? (nurseries/childminders/nannies)

Yes, my first daughter was with a childminder from eight until six every weekday for seven years.

What childcare do you think children respond well to?

I don’t think there is a wrong way. Nurseries introduce your child to group dynamics and it’s a great preparation for school. They learn to interact with other children quickly.

In respect of the playgroup:

How long has it been going for?

We just celebrated our 5th anniversary. One of the Dads moved to Exeter in the summer and started a new Dads and Littluns.

How many people come along?

We have had over eighty different Dads come to the group (and some mums) over the five years. We have anywhere between four and sixteen on an average week.

Would you like to see more Dads involved like this in other groups?

Yes, and I’d like to own the company that runs the group and retire at 40.